Jinde was rather satisfied when he saw the two of them not trying to argue. It wasn’t quite as good as getting a resounding ‘yes’ to what he had said but he was willing to take that for the time being. But now, the biggest problem was that these two both had hangups and were way too stubborn to bring them up by themselves. So he didn’t really have another choice. “Well, I said what I needed to say. I guess I’ll leave you alone now.”
He took the necklace and put it into Leng Jin Yu’s hand, making sure that he had imbued his own spiritual energy before he let go and left the room, leaving the two of them to their own devices. Then he went outside to stroll around, wondering just how long his husband would need before he would come out again.
Leng Jin Yu and Qiu Ling looked at each other, not sure how to start.
A few minutes trickled by and finally, Leng Jin Yu sighed. “What he said isn’t completely wrong. I guess it is hard for you to see me as your father but I won’t deny that after regaining my memories it’s a little easier for me to see you as …” He trailed off, not quite sure to say that.
Qiu Ling raised his brows. “What? Can’t say it? I wonder which of your lives is it that makes it complicated for you.”
Leng Jin Yu smiled wryly, not quite sure how to talk with Qiu Ling. He understood him. He had started to do so before he even regained the memories and after knowing what Chun Yin had known it was even more obvious. That kind of snappy attitude, he was using it because he wasn’t ready to confront his own feelings. It was his way to hold people at arm’s length and hope that they wouldn’t be able to hurt him. And that was his fault. Because he hadn’t been a better father to him.
“I don’t know what he talked about with you that day. I’m not quite sure or, no, actually, I know how he did it. But I was thinking that it was probably something that he didn’t want me to know. And I think that that bit of privacy should be given to both you and Jinde. No matter what, I do have all of his other memories. And I can tell you that I am genuinely sorry for what happened in my last life. You didn’t have it easy. Not before my death or after judging by what I’ve heard about that. And I know that that is my fault.”
Qiu Ling took a deep breath, feeling that he really wasn’t ready for this talk right now. “You know, it would’ve been nice to tell me beforehand that you were going to attempt this kind of thing with Jinde. Springing that upon me was probably the part I hated the most about it.”
Leng Jin Yu nodded, feeling that he was right. “Afterward, I had the same thought. But to be honest, I never could’ve imagined that this would happen. I thought it would be something similar to how things were for Jing Yi back in the dimension in the Leyuan region. You get something, it pulls down the barrier between this life and your past one that is somewhere in your soul, and that is that. I never would’ve thought that it could be this intense. I also didn’t know that such a small piece of soul would have this kind of effect.”
Qiu Ling gave a hum. “I don’t think anybody would’ve been able to tell you. Jinde probably looked into it a lot before to heal his own soul but we actually know quite little about the souls and how they work considering that they are such an integral part of our curse.”
Leng Jin Yu nodded and the two of them fell quiet once more. “Well, actually, how are you really faring? I might be able to understand Jing Yi a little because of that matter with Chun Yin. Maybe there’s something I can do to help.”
Qiu Ling looked at him with a deep gaze, not quite sure what to say. “You know what the vexing thing is? You were never much of a father back then. Now, you’re a whole new person. I don’t know if it’s the new experiences you made or the regret from your past life, but you’re actually doing much better now.”
“And that makes you wonder why you had to suffer so much. I get that. But I can’t say anything more other than that I’m sorry.”
Qiu Ling nodded and hesitated for a while before he still spoke up in the end. “In your case, would you have been angry about it if Chun Yin had been able to stay longer and Jinde would’ve wanted to be with him?”
Leng Jin Yu didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he took quite a bit of time to think about it. He remembered that day. That feeling of losing control of his own body, of being completely overwhelmed by another life, and finally waking up and realizing that things had already changed a lot. That there were several hours in his life where he hadn’t been himself and that he couldn’t even remember them.
It had been a frightening thought. And he could imagine that if he already had so much trouble it would be even worse for the Son of Heaven. “I don’t know the crown prince so what I say doesn’t necessarily need to be true. But I think that it is something to be afraid of.”
He didn’t dare to lie to Qiu Ling. That was just something that he couldn’t do. There had been too many troubles in the past. He wanted for him to be able to trust him, to gain another family member even if that hadn’t originally been what he wanted it to be. So especially in this regard, he had to give his honest opinion even if it might hurt. He had already prepared himself to do so.