LWS V3C50 I Really Am the Best

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Su Yan took one look at the reviews and closed his notebook, turning to the food Nie Chang had brought instead. Never mind, he’d much rather spend some time with his boyfriend instead of seeing what those few people had done again. Speaking of that … Where was his boyfriend even?
Su Yan looked around but couldn’t see him. Instead, he only saw the customers browsing through the store. Uh … It probably wasn’t too good to spend so much time writing. He hadn’t kept an eye on the store at all. Everyone of them could have taken something and just went outside and he wouldn’t even have noticed!
Su Yan straightened up and nodded to himself. Starting from after his lunch break he would pay more attention! This was his boyfriend’s store, after all. He had to make sure that Nie Chang wouldn’t incur any losses!
When Nie Chang came back from the back room he found a suspiciously motivated Su Yan at the counter. He froze and observed this strange phenomenon for a bit. Just what had happened? Hadn’t he only been gone for like … five minutes?
Nie Chang carefully stepped closer and sat down next to Su Yan. “So? How did it look?”
“Mn?” Su Yan turned around and jerked. “Nobody stole anything!”
Nie Chang’s brows raised. Why did this sound as if somebody had stolen from his store? He turned away, took out his own notebook and looked through the footage of the surveillance camera from the last few minutes. Nothing. It was the same as usual.
Confused, Nie Chang turned back to his boyfriend. “Nobody stole anything.”
“That’s what I said!”
Nie Chang blinked. “Then why did you look so … caught?”
“Caught?” Su Yan’s gaze flitted through the room before coming back to Nie Chang’s face. “What are you even talking about? Don’t just go and accuse people of something! Let’s eat!”
“Alright …” Nie Chang just shook his head and started eating. He couldn’t help but take another glance at his boyfriend though. Why was Su Yan looking around so conspicuously? This seemed more and more as if something was wrong.
Well, he would probably tell him later on. For now, he only had to make sure that Su Yan wouldn’t scare their customers off. He had to divert his attention somehow.
“So … in the end, what did they comment on the first chapter? You already had a look, hadn’t you?”
Su Yan turned around and pursed his lips. “Don’t even talk about it. It was all a big mess. I also don’t understand why.” Su Yan frowned and stared at his noodles with a disgruntled expression. “At first everything was normal but then they suddenly started flirting. In my comment section!” Su Yan looked up with righteous indignation written in his eyes, startling Nie Chang into almost dropping his food.
“They … flirted in your comments section?”
“Yes! Isn’t that horrible? Why were they doing that to me? Wasn’t my first chapter good enough?” Su Yan suddenly paused. “Eh? Seems like I forgot something …” Su Yan scratched his head.
It seemed he had only checked the system’s feedback after writing his very first chapter? So in other words … He hadn’t used that practice task-thingy he had unlocked previously?! Oh god! He was such an idiot!
Su Yan hurriedly put the food away and opened his notebook again, immediately clicking on the system again. Ah, thankfully, he had only posted one chapter up until now! He could still make changes to the other chapters if he needed to.
He hastily navigated to the practice task about the beginning of a story and this time chose [Upload an edited version of a beginning to get feedback]. He hurriedly copied all the chapters he had written until now and pasted them into the space the system had provided him with.
If he remembered correctly, then the system had said the beginning would be about a fifth of the whole novel. He had no idea how long the novel would get but this certainly couldn’t be a fifth already. So, it should be alright to have the system judge everything.
Well, the system didn’t mind everything and just started to display the same messages he had seen the last time already.
[Evaluating setting.]
[Evaluating characters.]
[Identifying main characters.]
[Evaluating style.]
[Evaluating incorporation of information (IncIn).]
[Evaluating probability of grabbing reader’s attention (GRAP).]
[Identifying problems.]
[Compiling suggestions for improvement.]
[Appraising skill level.]
[Organizing results.]
[Setting: 5/5
Characters: 5/5
Style: 4/5
Incin: 4/5
GRAP: 5/5
Overall rating: 4.6/5
Evaluation: The host has managed to provide necessary information about the setting, characters, and development of the story. The potentially generated interest of readers is judged to be high. Please try implementing the following suggestions for further improvement.
1) Naming: With Jin Bao Fu, Xue Chang Fu, Dou Jin Fu and Yue Fu Gang as characters and Fu Yun peak as a place mentioned early on the character ‘Fu’ is judged to be used at a higher than average frequency. Consider changing the name of at least two characters to make them more easily distinguishable and thus more memorable for your readers.
2) IncIn: The reader is provided with necessary information about the story concerning the characters, setting, and future development of the story. Part of the information is conveyed through the interaction of characters while another part is told to the reader. Try to rely less heavily on the second variant and instead convey more through your characters and their actions.
3) Style: The beginning is well-planned and manages to grab the readers’ attention through the plot. Besides a good story the beginning should also showcase your ability as a writer. Try to highlight your ability in the use of words.]
Su Yan blinked. This … This was probably the highest score the system had ever given him! In fact, this was nearly a perfect score! Ah, maybe he should have submitted this as the final version already!
Su Yan happily pushed his chair toward Nie Chang’s side of the counter and clutched his arm. “Ah Chang, the system said that I’m a really great writer! You were right. I really am the best!”


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