SML V5C19 Not Overthinking

They halted their conversation for a moment, trying not to think too much about it while they made their way over to Zhao Chen’s apartment. So far, they had never gone there. They had mostly met at work or for a date outside, and they had gone to Li Ming’s apartment once or twice for a meal together. But as for Zhao Chen’s place, Li Ming had never seen it.

Stepping inside, he felt that it was weird to do so for what might very well be their first argument. He couldn’t help but slightly regret having made that suggestion. It probably would’ve been better if they came here at a time when they were more relaxed and were more in harmony.

Zhao Chen turned back and looked at his expression, pressing his lips together. “Did I already ruin it?”

Li Ming shook his head and pushed the door shut behind them. “No, don’t worry. That’s not it! I was just thinking … this wasn’t quite how I imagined coming to your place for the first time. I’m not sure if it was a good idea to come here but anyway, you don’t need to worry. This was really just …”

He wasn’t sure how to say it but he finally reached out, putting his hands on Zhao Chen’s shoulders. “You’re being open with me. You know that is important to me. So no matter what, I can see this relationship going somewhere, that is still the same.

“This is just something that … I have trouble understanding. That kind of thing happens in a relationship and it’s something that we should talk through. It’s just to see where the two of us are coming from, you know? To … get a better understanding of each other and make sure this won’t cause any resentment in the future.

“I …” He fell silent for a moment, wondering how to put into words what he was feeling. “I guess I am prone to overthinking things. So when you say something like you moving on fast, I reflect that back on me and I wonder how it will be if the two of us were to break up and what that would mean for our current relationship.”

Zhao Chen nodded. “That’s exactly what I was afraid of, to be honest. Anyway, let’s go further in. It’s weird standing in the corridor for this.” He grabbed his arm and pulled him in, feeling that he wanted to get this behind him already.

In fact, he was a bit angry at himself for letting this come up in the first place. They still weren’t that secure in this relationship. But especially after Li Ming had confided in him that he had trust issues, this was the last thing he should have said.

It was just … well, it had come out naturally. He felt comfortable with Li Ming as if he could tell him everything. So at that time, when Li Ming asked about it, he hadn’t thought much about it. But as soon as the words were out, he had known that he had done the wrong thing.

The two of them sat down in the living room and Li Ming grabbed Zhao Chen’s hand. “Ah, don’t worry about it. I’m glad that you were honest with me. Actually, that’s reassuring to me. I’m really just trying to understand. It’s nothing more than that.”

Zhao Chen nodded but he still didn’t feel happy with the current situation. “You know, the more you are trying to reassure me, the more I’m starting to feel that I did something wrong.”

Li Ming shook his head but also felt that he was overdoing it. He made it sound even more like he was judging him. “Alright, I’ll stop. You just … you just explain.”

Zhao Chen nodded but held onto Li Ming’s hand while wondering how to say it. He had had some time while they were going to the apartment but he still wasn’t sure how to explain it to Li Ming.

At the end of the day, this was probably because they were very different types when it came to how they did things. Maybe that was the angle he should explain things from. He tilted his head and then nodded to himself. “Well, you just said that you are prone to overthinking.”

Li Ming nodded. “I am, I won’t deny that.”

“Right, I guess the thing is just that I’m not like that. I … I don’t think things through like that. I am more of an ‘in the moment’ kind of person. I’m happy while a relationship lasts and I can tell you that I would never stay with somebody that I’m not happy with.

“Of course, there is a gray area in-between where things are okay but not as good as I would like them to be. At that time, I will slow down and see how things are going before making up my mind. But that’s the only time I try to work through things relationship-wise. Otherwise, I just take things in stride and go wherever it feels right going.

“So when I break up with somebody or somebody breaks up with me, I … I don’t need to think about it, you know? I just accept that it’s something that I can’t change.

“It’s not that I’m not sad about a relationship ending. Don’t get me wrong there. I am. If it’s a good relationship and I’m broken up with out of the blue, then of course, I’ll be devastated. But it’s nothing that I can deal with. After all, I can’t change a person’s mind, right?

“And usually, I feel that if it comes out of the blue, it isn’t my fault to begin with so I won’t go and look for what’s wrong on my end. I’m just not the type of person. If somebody doesn’t tell me what is up when they actually notice it while together with me, I think it’s their loss. I guess it feels like that’s their matter and I was just caught up in it if you will.

“I know this might sound weird because we’re talking about people I was dating, after all, but just that’s just the way things work for me and I’m happy with it. It doesn’t mean more than that. It certainly doesn’t mean anything for our relationship.”

« ToC »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s