Qiu Ling’s gaze darted around, trying to find something to say to dispel the awkwardness. But unfortunately, everything he had to say had already been said. Now, he could only stare silently, wondering if all of their days would be like this from now on. If they were, did it even make any sense to get married?
He inwardly shook his head at himself and then put on a smile. “It’s been a long day. How about just going to sleep? I think some rest would do both of us good.”
Jing Yi nodded, not feeling any different than Qiu Ling. It might be a cop-out to just go to sleep but not having to think about these things for a couple of hours really sounded good. Especially since tomorrow, they could start dealing with other matters.
If they really started to prepare for the wedding, then they wouldn’t have as much time to worry about other things. And even if they had to wait even longer in case Xiang Yong didn’t return as soon as expected, there were still other things that they could do like getting to know the palace and the capital city. It wouldn’t be like right now where there didn’t seem to be anything to say or do.
Jing Yi stood up and took off his outer robe, looking around to find a spot to put it.
Qiu Ling got up and took it from his hands, hanging it over the backrest of the chair. He kept quiet for a moment before he rubbed his forehead, turning back to Jing Yi. “I know that things are still awkward between us but we can work that out until the wedding.”
Jing Yi nodded and sat back down, watching as Qiu Ling took off his own outer robe. Watching the familiar back, he couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. “It’s not like this is really a new situation for us. We’ve had moments like this pretty often in the past, didn’t we?”
Qiu Ling turned back around with a wry smile and then went to sit down next to him. “I just feel like it gets progressively worse each time. It’s not quite what I expected.”
Jing Yi chuckled and shook his head. “Me neither. You know, when we met back in the Yun Zou Sect or, well, when I saw you in your real appearance for the first time in the Yun Zou Sect, I thought you were weird. I couldn’t imagine having a relationship with you at all. I pushed you away and I only started to feel a bit bad when I realized how badly you took it.
“With time, things changed. I don’t know how much of that was because of the time we spent together and how much of it is because of what he did. I just know that by now, it won’t change anymore. I guess no matter what you did, even if I couldn’t forget about it and might not even be able to forgive, I still wouldn’t stop loving you.”
Qiu Ling nodded. “Are you trying to tell me that you kind of realize how I am currently feeling because of what you did?”
Jing Yi turned to look at him, a hint of pain in his gaze. “Isn’t it like that? What you said before, it was only about how we can act going forward, what we can do to somehow make it work. But you didn’t say that you would forgive me. You never did. And I honestly don’t think that you will. Because you can’t. I went too far but the problem is that even though I did, you can’t change that you love me. So you’re trapped.”
Qiu Ling stared at him, wondering where that insight suddenly came from. This was precisely how he had felt from the moment that he realized what had happened with Jing He. And even though he had tried to rationalize everything and find a way to go forward, that didn’t change the circumstances. He had just hoped that he was the only one realizing that because then he could learn to deal with it. But Jing Yi had managed to see right through it.
Maybe he should’ve expected this. Jing Yi wasn’t the boy anymore that he had tried to woo back at the Yun Zou Sect. He was older by now and even though a lot of his time had been spent cultivating and trying to ascend, he had also made some experiences at least. And most of their time had been spent together.
So really, Jing Yi could probably see through him rather easily. As such, it wouldn’t help if he denied it because he would see straight through that lie as well. “I will admit that it’s difficult.”
“It’s not just difficult. You don’t actually want to be with me right now. I can see that. I really can. But I’m selfish enough to just ignore that.” He smiled and slid back on the bed, leaning against the wall. “You know, back in the Nine Heavens, you once explained how you thought you had been selfish in regard to how you treated me before. You apologized.
“I didn’t understand back then. To be honest, I still don’t now. I guess you’re just … better than me. Because I don’t care. I want to be selfish. I just want to be with you and even though I can see that it pains you, I won’t give up.”
Qiu Ling glanced over his shoulder, watching Jing Yi for a moment. “He wasn’t sure why Jing Yi was telling him this. Maybe it was just to get over the awkwardness or maybe he had figured that by being honest, completely honest, he could manage to repair something between them. Actually, there might be some truth to that idea.