Jing Yi looked at his lover, wondering if he was really serious about this. He wasn’t sure if this really went for him just as much as it did for Jing He and anyway, what he was currently asking of him was idiotic. “You know that I will never have another opportunity like this again, don’t you? I made use of the situation. If it was just up to my own skills, it wouldn’t have been possible. So how do you expect me to try something else again?”
Qiu Ling looked at him, a hint of disappointment in his eyes. “Since you think like that, why are you unable to promise me? Isn’t it that deep down, you still hope that you will get another opportunity?”
Jing Yi furrowed his brows at that. “No! I saw how much that hurt you. Why would I want to do it again?”
“Because even though you’ve seen how difficult it was for me to take, you care more about getting Jing He out of the way. After all, you knew from the beginning how much I love him, and yet, you tried to kill him while I was away, making use of the situation just like you said. You didn’t think of me at that moment. You only thought about yourself.”
Jing Yi’s brows drew even further together. “You can’t understand that? I can’t live with him! No matter what I do, my days will always be numbered. As long as he’s there, waiting for his soul to return, I will only ever be … a vessel, somebody to hold onto his soul until he needs it more than me. Do you have any idea how that feels?”
Qiu Ling shook his head. “No, I don’t. There are probably not even a handful of people who actually know how that feels apart from you. But that isn’t what this is about.
“I’ve already told you that if it’s possible, you will get to live your life in full. You can ignore whatever is going on with Jing He. As long as they don’t find another solution — and it isn’t like it looks like that right now — nobody’s asking anything of you.
“So why insist on this? Why can you not promise me this? Since you know how important it is to me, since you say that you know how much it would hurt me if this happened again, why continue?”
Jing Yi shook his head and got up, walking a few steps away and crossing his arms in front of his chest. Right now, he just couldn’t look at Qiu Ling. He just felt … well, he wasn’t even sure what he felt.
Everything was so much. If he could go back, he would’ve liked to never find out about Jing He. Then, he and Qiu Ling would probably have an easier time. But it was already much too late for that and he had held onto this hatred for a millennium. How was he supposed to just give up on it?
Just because Qiu Ling said so? No, even if he told himself one moment that he wanted to do it, it was too hard to actually go through with it. Because when he heard Qiu Ling talk about Jing He, there would always be that anger in his heart. He couldn’t change that. He wished that he could, that he could just have a peaceful life with Qiu Ling, that he would not have to think about this all the time. Alas, there was just no way for that to happen.
Qiu Ling watched his lover’s back, not sure either how they had arrived at this point. Or, no, that was wrong. He actually knew precisely how this had happened. It was his own fault. It was because he hadn’t just stayed Jing He’s side guarding his immortal body but had followed him down into the mortal realm, watching over his soul instead.
Every step he had taken had led to this end. So yes, this was his own fault. Sure, part of it was because of Jing Yi’s decisions as well but those had all been made based on what he had done before.
Hadn’t he been the one who let him find out about Jing He back in his inner self? Hadn’t he told him about Jing He? Hadn’t he failed to prevent him from being thrown into that realm in the Leyuan region where he finally remembered parts of the past? All those were his mistakes.
But at the same time, maybe there was more to it as well. Maybe all of these were trials for Jing He. After all, everything he had done had somehow been followed by something else. With each step they took, things had seemed to get worse. And wasn’t that what the trials were all about? And hadn’t Jing He wished that he could fulfill Tian’s prerequisites for the trueborn gods in just one trial so he wouldn’t have to descend once again?
Yes, thinking about it like this, there seemed to be more to this. Maybe that was also why Jing Yi reacted to this so strongly. It was all … part of the trial.
Qiu Ling lowered his gaze, pondering deeply. He was not that good when it came to handling personal relationships. Most of his life had been spent alone after all and even when he was with other people, he had always been scared of his own secrets coming out.
Even with Jing He, he had never been able to be truly open and honest about everything. He had skirted around the truth, hiding as deeply as he usually did, not letting the slightest glimpse through. He had tried to be more open with Jing Yi, hoping that it could be a step toward telling Jing He about everything. But that didn’t mean that he was good at this.
Still, he realized that there were things that couldn’t be solved this early. Just talking wouldn’t get them anywhere. Because at the end of the day, there were too many emotions on both sides. And he couldn’t fault Jing Yi for being angry about the situation any more than Jing Yi could fault him for being in love with Jing He.
These were just their circumstances. And they needed to find a way to deal with them that wasn’t talking in circles and ending up assigning blame because what would that change? For him, there was just one thing he wanted. But what was it on Jing Yi’s side? Maybe finding out about that to be a way forward.
Thinking of that, Qiu Ling raised his gaze again and finally called out to him even though Jing Yi’s back was still facing him. “The only thing I want from you is a promise, no, an oath that you will not harm him again. In return, what is it that I need to do for you to be able to deal with this?
“Tell me and we will see if we can come to some kind of compromise. Because honestly, no matter what you might think right now, I don’t want to lose you either.”