Hua Lin Yu looked at him for a moment and then suddenly got up, taking a step to bridge the gap between them. He reached out and then hugged him, making Xin Lan’s head come to rest against his chest.
Xin Lan raised his brows and hesitated for a moment before he hugged him back. “How do I deserve this?”
Hua Lin Yu lowered his head and just hugged him tighter. He couldn’t say it out loud for fear his voice might break if he did but right now, he just felt incredibly sorry. Xin Lan had told him quite a bit about his life over the years. And while they had learned to be more open with each other, he was only realizing today that despite the few dark things that he had heard, he actually didn’t know how difficult Xin Lan’s life had really been all this time.
He was thinking of him as a strong, invincible person. But in fact, Xin Lan had also had times when he was weak and vulnerable, times where he would have to rely on others. And he had actually made him feel so bad as well. If Xin Lan hadn’t already found back into life, if this had really harmed him, he would never have forgiven himself. And just the thought that something like that could have happened made him anxious again.
Xin Lan gave a faint hum and finally pulled Hua Lin Yu onto his lap. Gently holding him in his arms, he turned his head and kissed his shoulder. “You know, you don’t have to feel sad for me. Every life has a bit of happiness, a bit of sadness, a bit of anger, a bit of all the other emotions there are. It’s just that when you live this long, that bit becomes quite a lot. You could probably say that I also had many good memories. It’s just that when thinking back, it’s sometimes hard to recall them because the stretches of darkness in between them smother the light.”
Hua Lin Yu just hugged him tighter in response. Clearly, he wasn’t willing to just leave things at that.
Xin Lan couldn’t help but actually feel a bit distressed. He really liked this boy. And while he was trying to win him over again, he also didn’t want to do so at every price. To hurt him this much with that kind of old story … he couldn’t help but feel a little … regretful.
Especially since he had deliberately told him of it to make him become jealous of Jinde. Now, looking back, had it been worth it? Obviously not. But no matter what he knew in hindsight, it couldn’t change anymore what had already happened. Now, he could only try to calm Hua Lin Yu down.
“Don’t worry so much.” He kissed his cheek, trying to soothe him but Hua Lin Yu didn’t really seem to want to calm down. Or maybe he just couldn’t after getting those images in his head. In this regard, it really showed just how young he was.
Xin Lan sighed and finally just hugged him. “You know, I do understand it.” He paused for a moment, wondering if he should make clearer what he meant but finally, he didn’t bother. It should be obvious enough.
“You are young. Sometimes, being young also means that you will have a different perspective on things than I do and that will show in both our words and actions. You were indecisive, you still are, because you don’t know what’s in front of you.
“There are so many possible paths for you in the future. To bind yourself to me early on might be a bit irresponsible. I think this is what your family was afraid of. And you should also be afraid of that. Because otherwise, you might come to regret it one day and where would that bring us? We’d just start resenting each other which isn’t how I want to part. If we have to, it should be on amicable terms. That’s what I want, so I’m willing to wait for you and also to accept any decision you end up making. So I don’t mind it.
“And even if you were to decide against me and for somebody else in the future, I would also be able to get over it. It’s not that I would like it and I would probably need some time to come to grips with it but I can take it. I’m not that fragile.” He reached out and grabbed Hua Lin Yu’s chin, making him look at him. “So don’t blame yourself for anything. You haven’t done anything wrong.
“That back then was my own fault. I was lucky to have met Jinde but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have gotten out of it on my own. I should have made some decisions differently. Looking back, it’s easy to say so.
“As for you … in regard to your marriage, you have to be selfish. There is no other way to happiness.” He smiled, and then leaned closer, kissing Hua Lin Yu’s temple. “You can be selfish with me. I don’t mind at all.”
Hua Lin Yu still held onto him and slowly closed his eyes. Be selfish with him … He really didn’t know what to say to that. In fact, he already was. While he was spending time with Xin Lan, he had been thinking of somebody else but he hadn’t made it clear to either of them. That was as selfish as he could get, wasn’t it?