At this moment, Hua Lin Yu didn’t even know where he was. After being confronted with reality, he had rushed out of not only Xin Lan’s room and the palace but even the capital city like a headless fly. He had no idea where to go. He just knew that he couldn’t look Xin Lan in the eye after what he had just done. Even more so, after the scene of Xin Lan handing him that gift and saying those words replayed in his head over and over again, and each time it did, his guilty conscience became even worse, make him run away further.
By now, even when turning back, he couldn’t see the capital. He had no idea where he was. And even if he knew, he likely wouldn’t have dared to go back. How could he do that? When Xin Lan saw him, wouldn’t he be angry? Wouldn’t he lash out at him? He would certainly deserve to be treated like that. After three years of living together … how could he have suddenly done something like this after Xin Lan told him to get married already?
Hua Lin Yu stopped where he was and raised his hands, covering his face. He was such an idiot. But the worst thing was that even though he felt horrible for treating Xin Lan like that, at the thought of going back and telling him that he just panicked at the moment and actually really wanted to marry him, he also didn’t feel well.
He liked him. He really did. Xin Lan gave him a sense of security and warmth that he would definitely miss if it wasn’t in his life. But if he was honest, when he closed his eyes and thought of calling him husband, getting close to him not only when talking but also in a manner that only married couples would so, he just couldn’t imagine it. Instead, there was another man he could imagine these things with very well. And that made everything even worse.
Hua Lin Yu lowered his hands, and then walked up to the small grove in front of him, sitting down at the root of one of the trees. He pulled his legs up to his chest, and then rested his chin on top, his expression lost.
When had this happened? When had he actually fallen in love with another man while living at Xin Lan’s side? How could he have let something like this happen?
He closed his eyes, his brows drawing together. To be honest, he should’ve known. From the first day he saw Bai Mu, he had somehow felt attracted to that man. He didn’t know why but somehow, he just hadn’t been able to help himself. And from then on, consciously or unconsciously he would go and try to get close to him.
He hadn’t thought any deeper about it. He had never stopped to wonder if what he was doing was right or not. It was only that sometimes, he would get a stuffy feeling in his chest when he saw Bai Mu hold Nie Huang or gently kiss her.
Looking back now, he had obviously been jealous. But how could he do that? Never mind that there was Xin Lan in his life and that they were supposed to get married soon, Bai Mu was also engaged to Nie Huang. And these two obviously loved each other very much. So even if he rejected Xin Lan, nothing would change between him and Bai Mu. It was just completely impossible.
Hua Lin Yu’s eyes actually teared up when he thought of that. Just why were things so complicated? Maybe it would have been better if he didn’t go to travel with Xin Lan. Maybe if they had stayed in the mortal realm or if they had stayed at Xin Lan’s estate, then things wouldn’t be like this.
He never would have met Bai Mu. He wouldn’t have caused such chaos. He wouldn’t have needed to reject Xin Lan when he brought up their marriage again. If only … But now, it was too late.
Hua Lin Yu buried his face in his arms, crying to himself. Right now, if it was about anything else, he would’ve gone to Xin Lan. He would always feel better when he was comforted by him. But now, how could he do it? The one who really needed someone’s comfort was Xin Lan himself. As for him … he had no right to be upset. It was all his own doing.
Somewhere in the distance, thunder growled, making Hua Lin Yu raise his head. His eyes were slightly reddened when he stared at the dark clouds. He knew he should probably go back but just the thought of maybe running into Xin Lan had him stay where he was.
He was afraid to see him. He didn’t know how he should explain. And he would have to explain. No matter how understanding Xin Lan was, he would never accept this. After all, he had also been looking forward to it. And three years was a long time. He couldn’t be expected to wait even longer, could he?
No, when he went back, then he would have to give him an answer. And telling him the truth … He really didn’t know how to do that. That would break Xin Lan’s heart.
Hua Lin Yu closed his eyes again, sniffing faintly. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this. He should probably try to secretly go and see his brother and then see if somebody could bring them back to the mortal realm.
It might be cowardly but it was still better than going to see Xin Lan. He just couldn’t bring himself to do that. Yes, he’d do it like this. There was definitely a way to achieve that. Then he would never have to confess what he was secretly thinking.
That was certainly for the best.