Si Tao hung around for a bit but then left back to his own place. Even though he had tried to be there for Mo Fang more often, he still had his own fiancee at home and he didn’t want their relationship to suffer under outside circumstances.
Mo Fang didn’t mind. After Si Tao left, he went to sit down in the living room and took out his phone. Switching on the screen, his thumb hovered over the icons, undecided about what to do. He knew he had to call Yu Xin or at least write him a message but he was afraid of how he’d react. It shouldn’t be bad but … this sense of unease couldn’t be overcome that easily.
He sighed and finally opened the gallery instead. Anyway, he had promised Qiao Ya to send her a few videos of Yu Ting so she could get a better impression of him. While she wouldn’t need them immediately, he might as well slowly look through them. After all, while he had a lot of them, not all of them were something he’d be comfortable sending to others even if that other person was Yu Ting’s biological sister.
Looking at the previews of the photos and videos he had taken, his heart squeezed. Seven or eight out of them featured him and Yu Ting. And he had never been the type to be crazy about recording what happened in his life this way.
As a model, there were so many photos he had to take professionally, his interest in this had long fizzled out. At most, he took a shot or two whenever he went out so he’d have something to post to social media. Only for special occasions, he’d go out a bit more.
Maybe this was also because he usually hadn’t cared to keep any mementos. Looking at everything left over from his previous relationships, none of them could compare to the one with Yu Ting. It was as if he had always known deep in his heart that they weren’t meant to stay.
He sighed to himself and clicked on the first picture, his finger tracing the outline of Yu Ting’s face. Qiao Ya probably wouldn’t care about the photos as much and he also didn’t want to send her a long directory of everything that had happened throughout their relationship.
No, it would make sense to choose two or three pictures from special occasions like Yu Ting’s birthday or their engagement which would also show some family and friends. Then he could add a handful of videos to give a deeper view of his personality.
Making up his mind, Mo Fang slowly looked through everything he had saved. Time slipped by quietly and the sky outside turned dark. After a while, Mo Fang moved to his bedroom instead, quickly washing up and changing his clothes before he slipped into bed.
In the middle of the night, he was still resting against the headboard and staring at his phone screen. He had already marked several things he’d be willing to share even though he probably wouldn’t send everything at once. So far, he hadn’t contacted Qiao Ya at all. He simply couldn’t bring himself to do so.
Looking through his gallery, his mind couldn’t help but wander to everything he and Yu Ting had experienced together. At this time, the fact that he had lost him forever and that not a single new memory would be added to this gallery … it hit him with renewed force.
He had known. Of course, he had known. The moment he got the call that Yu Ting had died, he had known it was over forever. He wasn’t delusional, after all. Yu Ting had left ahead of him and there was nothing he could do about it. He could only try to pick up the pieces and start over.
These months, he felt that he had done a decently good job at this. He had gone back to China to be closer to his family and friends and to not always have to see the apartment he had shared with Yu Ting back in Europe. He had picked a new goal for himself even if it was only a short-term goal and had set out to find Yu Ting’s birth family.
There had been some ups and downs, of course, and he hadn’t been happy for most of that time. But who could fault him? After losing his fiance like that and even just a mere two weeks after their engagement, how could he find happiness again so soon? Just picking himself up and not wallowing in self-pity was the best he could do right now.
It was enough as well. He had the resources to take the time to slowly get better before he started over completely. He didn’t need to work. Instead, he needed to get better. Maybe people at home found this weird but he knew it was the right approach for him. Taking your time to work on your issues … this was also what he had learned while being with Yu Ting. Blindly rushing ahead, clinging to whatever you could might numb the pain but it wouldn’t help in the grand scheme of things.
Tonight, looking at these photos and seeing Yu Ting alive and well in those videos, all that pain he had been trying to work through came back at once. He just … couldn’t deal with the fact that he’d never get to see him like this again.
He knew it was what it was but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Especially now that he had managed to do what Yu Ting had always wanted to do but hadn’t had the time. It just felt so unfair. If Yu Ting had had even one more year, then getting married, moving to China, and finding his sister … he could have experienced all of it. He didn’t deserve to miss out on any of these.