He Wouldn’t Let Him!
Li Ming kept quiet for a while. He absolutely didn’t mind telling Mo Fang. Originally, he had had his apprehensions but the longer he thought about it, the more he felt that he was silly.
Mo Fang had just gotten out of a relationship with somebody that he had obviously loved very much. He definitely wouldn’t throw himself at the next best man. He really had to be especially conceited to think that that was the case.
Anyway, he wasn’t worried about that anymore, so there was no need to keep anything from him. In fact, it was also nice having somebody he could talk about those things to. While there was no difference in general between relationships whether you were gay or straight, that feeling of falling in love with somebody who turned out not to be of the same sexual orientation as you … It was something that affected them a lot more.
“Well, in my early relationships, I never thought like that. The relationship my parents had was quite good and I always wanted to be like that. So I made it a point to treat my partner well, listen to him, talk things out, and try to communicate if there were ever any problems.”
Mo Fang gave a low hum. That did sound like the perfect boyfriend to him. “I can’t see anything wrong with that.”
Li Ming smiled in the dark. “Well, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It’s just that … Maybe I thought too much of it. While all the break-ups I had were amicable and I’m even on speaking terms with my exes, it still doesn’t change that we never worked out.
“Maybe it’s just that I have bad luck in picking partners who I am compatible with in the long run. But since the last time I fell in love, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I just get things wrong. And maybe while I make it a point to communicate these things, that’s not how they work. Maybe it’s that that’s the actual problem.”
Mo Fang kept quiet for a moment, trying to think about what Li Ming was saying. “The last time … you mean that coworker of yours?”
Li Ming sighed. “Well, I guess you’ve already heard all about it.” Actually, he shouldn’t be surprised at that. He knew that people at his workplace were very gossipy and two male coworkers that both happened to be gay and then had such a fallout were naturally huge news. Add to that the fact that Mo Fang was the son of their boss … Of course, he should have gotten a very good picture of that incident.
Even more so since he was gay himself. If it wasn’t that Mo Fang had just broken up with somebody and everybody knew that he had been in love with Su Yan, people probably would’ve tried to push the two of them into dating. That was just how things were if you were gay.
Well, he didn’t mind Mo Fang knowing about it and instead admitted it directly. “Yeah, Su Yan. I really liked him. But the thing is, I always thought that maybe he was straight. And I didn’t really dare to ask. I was afraid that if I asked and he said yes, then for one, my only hope would be dashed and, second, things might even get awkward between us since he’d know I was into him. Which straight guy would be happy about that? Anyway, I thought that just loving him from afar would be enough.”
“But it wasn’t?” Mo Fang actually couldn’t understand that kind of thought too well. If he liked somebody, he always made it a point to show that person. Even if he went a roundabout way like with Li Ming right now, he would still only take a bit of time before he came clean.
Anyway, what use was in liking somebody if you weren’t going anywhere with it? Mo Fang kept these thoughts to himself though. If Li Ming poured out his heart to him and he said something like this, his own hopes would definitely be dashed as well.
Li Ming took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “It would’ve been to me. But then … ah, somebody played a cruel joke on us. And I guess I found out that I wasn’t as good of a guy as I thought I was.”
“I heard something about that but I’m not quite sure what exactly happened. I think he left because of that? Is that why you’re feeling so bad?”
Li Ming gave a hum. “Somebody told me that Su Yan had confessed that he was actually gay as well and happened to like me. And I, being an idiot, actually believed it.
“I guess I should’ve known that it wasn’t true. There was definitely a lot of wishful thinking involved in making me believe that it was the truth. Anyway, I confronted him about it.
“I thought that if I confessed my feelings to him head-on and then said that somebody let the truth slip, then he would be at ease and also tell me about his feelings and things could maybe work out after all. But that wasn’t what happened.”
He shook his head at himself, still unable to believe that he had actually gone so far. “Basically, I cornered him and then forced a kiss on him despite him telling me not to. Thinking about it, I feel like an asshole now. I mean who does something like that?
“When I think back now, I’m horrified at myself. And I can’t even begin to imagine how he must’ve felt in that situation. He completely had no chance to get away from me. He must’ve been panicked and afraid and …” He sighed and rubbed his face, feeling unwell down to the core.
Yes, what had he thought? He just couldn’t get. “I claim to have loved him and I actually think that I still do but … if I really did, would I have behaved like that?
“And if I am able to get something like this wrong and misinterpret his utter stupefaction and rejection when it’s plain in front of my eyes, then what have I done wrong in my relationships? How much of what happened was just my misinterpretation and not what my boyfriends actually thought? Maybe I am really not a good partner. It would be better if I stayed single.”
Mo Fang really wanted to facepalm when he heard that. It was alright to pour out his heart but could he not break his while he was at it? How could a good guy like Li Ming doubt himself so much and actually want to retire from the market? He was the best guy he had ever met in all these years since he started dating. He couldn’t just leave now! He wouldn’t let him!