Mo Fang also didn’t stay up any later. He went down to the master bedroom, washed up quickly, and then slipped into bed. He didn’t immediately turn off the light and instead picked up the frame on the nightstand.
He hadn’t added much to this place since moving in. Somehow, changing anything about the apartment felt disrespectful to Yu Ting and he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. This frame was one of the few things he had allowed himself to bring in from outside. He just couldn’t help himself. There was so much of Yu Ting in this place and yet, it felt so utterly disconnected from him. After a few days, he hadn’t been able to take it any longer. Only by adding at least this photo had he been able to calm down.
Mo Fang brushed over the glass with his fingertips. The photo was from a date two months into their casually dating. That day, Yu Ting had taken him to the mountains. He had thought he would hate it but he had still tried to give it a chance because he really wanted matters with Yu Ting to work out. Surprisingly enough, he had come to realize that it was much different from what he had imagined.
In the photo, he was smiling brightly, probably having been the most content he had been in a while. The stress of being in a different country and that feeling of making hardly any progress at all in his personal life had both seemed to cease to exist for just a few short hours.
As for Yu Ting, he was looking at him. There was no smile on his lips but then, he had never been somebody who smiled much. The gaze in his eyes was warm though, as was the way he was leaning toward him. With Yu Ting, it had always been like this: He might not say much or make his feelings obviously known but as long as you watched out for the small details, you would feel loved nonetheless.
Mo Fang looked at the face that had become so familiar in his time abroad. Not even three years … that amount of time was much too short. It might have been his longest relationship and his most serious but it was still too short. He would have given anything to just have a few more months with him.
He took a deep breath and sighed deeply, wiping his eyes before putting the frame back onto the nightstand. He still couldn’t take away his gaze for a moment and finally had to turn off the light before he could bring himself to lie down. In the darkness, he stared up at the ceiling.
His thoughts circled around his time with Yu Ting, jumped to his move back to China, and finally landed on everything that had happened on this day after Si Tao called him. He wasn’t sure what to make of all of it. He still missed Yu Ting and he knew that he would for a long time. But life didn’t seem as horrible and lonely now that he had been able to talk to somebody.
He turned to the side and reached out again, picking up the frame once more. In the darkness, he couldn’t actually see the photo inside but he still smiled faintly. “I guess even if my life is in shambles now, I can pick everything up step by step. I’ll find your family for you and after that, I will find a way forward for myself. You also … wouldn’t have wanted me to live in the past.”
He sighed and kept the frame in his hands. He hated being alone throughout the day but he hated being alone at night even more. It was much more of a reminder of what he had lost. After all, they had often both been busy in the day, only able to meet up in the evening. At night though, they had always been together save for a few very rare exceptions.
Mo Fang held onto the frame for a few more minutes but in the end, he could only force himself to put it down. He closed his eyes, knowing full well that it was late and that he likely wouldn’t get much sleep again. But then, it wasn’t like there was anything waiting for him to do tomorrow so it didn’t matter much.
No, since Si Tao had arranged the appointment with the private investigator, he now had even more time than before. After all, there wasn’t anything else for him to do. He still didn’t have a job and meeting up with Si Tao today had made him realize that it wasn’t helping him at all to go out with others.
He also would have liked it if it was different but right now, spending time with his old friends just didn’t give him anything. Whenever he tried, he would just feel so out of place. Si Tao was really the only one he felt might be different. Well, other than him, there was one more person but he knew that Li Ming was the last person he should go and bother with his problems. As he had said today, it was nice enough to be able to say hello to each other again without the emotions running high.
He shook his head at himself for even thinking about it and pulled the blanket up higher. Anyway, having one good day in-between all of those dark ones was a big step forward. He should try to hold onto that feeling in the future and think positive. Even if it was difficult right now, he knew that he had to. He couldn’t allow himself to wallow in misery. Yes, life wasn’t good right now. It wasn’t what he had wanted. But it wasn’t over yet and he wasn’t willing to give up. He never would. So whatever it took, he would do it to get through this.