SML V4C73 A Selfish Action

Su Yan was not just the airheaded type of person, he was also the type of person that was glued to his screen all day every day. Naturally, he immediately saw when Rui Lan sent him a message.

He pulled out his phone, looked at it curiously, and then immediately messaged back. If he received something like this, surely, there was something special up. How could he wait a second longer to find out?

Back in Li Ming’s apartment, Rui Lan had only just put down his phone, but the notification sound already rang out. His brows shot up and he picked up his phone, feeling that this had to be a coincidence. This couldn’t be Su Yan. No, somebody must have messaged him.

Seeing Su Yan’s name pop up, he stared blankly. This … was a bit too fast, wasn’t it? Well, even though he was surprised, he still opened the text. When he did, he almost wanted to laugh out loud.

Barely suppressing the corners of his mouth from raising up, he turned the phone around and shoved it in Li Ming’s face. “What do you think about that?”

Li Ming looked over, not expecting much, but then his expression also turned blank when he saw the short exchange between the two of them.

Rui Lan: [Hey, brother Su, do you still remember Li Ming?]

Su Yan: [No. Who’s that?]

For a moment, he didn’t even know what to say. Su Yan … didn’t even remember him? Don’t mention that he had forced a kiss on him, they had worked together for years! Had he really left no impression on him at all?

Cang Gui Ying couldn’t help but be curious when she saw the odd expression of the two men. She grabbed her boyfriend’s phone, looking at the messages as well.

Seeing Su Yan’s response, she immediately laughed out loud, not bothering to hide her reaction like Rui Lan had. “Ah, that’s just typical of him! You know, he was usually like that. Doesn’t matter who the person is, he’d just forget about them if he didn’t see them daily. I think in Su Yan’s mind, nobody’s important.”

Li Ming gave a wry smile. “Well, maybe he just didn’t think of work when he was suddenly asked like that. I mean, he hasn’t been at the railroad station since a while.”

Rui Lan furrowed his brows. “Yes, he hasn’t, but I’m still working there. And he knows that I do. Seriously, I’m pretty sure he even has me saved under something like ‘Rui Lan from work’ or something like that. There’s no way he wouldn’t think of the railroad station when it’s me messaging him.

“Despite that, he didn’t think of you and get angry immediately like you reacted. Instead, he couldn’t even think of who you were. So seriously, stop thinking about it. He isn’t either. It’s a done and gone deal. He was angry that day, he didn’t want to work with you anymore and quit in a rage, and that was it. There isn’t more to it.”

Cang Gui Ying put the phone down and nodded along with his words. “Right. I think the same. Bro Li, don’t torture yourself with this anymore. Anyway, I think you were making too big of a deal out of this anyway. Yes, maybe it wasn’t alright, but it’s already over. He’s moved on. Why shouldn’t you?”

Li Ming looked at Rui Lan’s phone, really wondering if he shouldn’t ask him to still send another message to remind him. He wanted his honest thoughts. If Su Yan was reminded of who he was, maybe then his reaction would be different.

But then again, was that not the same as bothering him himself? After all, at that time, what was Rui Lan supposed to say? If he told him that it was ‘Li Ming from work’, then wouldn’t Su Yan ask what was the matter with him? And then how would he respond? ‘He’d like to apologize to you’? If Su Yan really wasn’t thinking about it anymore, that would just pull up bad memories. And that wasn’t what he wanted for him.

Li Ming sighed and put down his chopsticks, shaking his head at himself. “Maybe I am indeed making too big of a deal out of this. It’s just that … I never thought I was the kind of person who could do something like this.

“But I did and that’s making me feel … I don’t know. I feel bad about it. Even if he doesn’t remember, I still do.” He had had this very same discussion with Mo Fang and also with Duan Zhi Hao. Despite everyone telling him to just lighten up, he couldn’t. He wasn’t that type of person. He didn’t take things lightly.

Back then, he had been incredibly serious. He had believed Zhi Bao Yu and really thought that Su Yan loved him. And he had also thought that he was just suppressing those feelings because he was afraid of people finding out he was gay.

He had cornered Su Yan also because he could understand those feelings and he wanted him to be honest with himself so he wouldn’t need to hide and could move forward. But that had been wrong. You couldn’t force somebody to face their issues. Even if Zhi Bao Yu had been right and Su Yan did love him, it would have been the wrong way to go about this.

And that he was honest, even at that time, he had known that. He had … realized that he wasn’t doing the right thing when Su Yan continued refusing to admit to it. And yet, he had persisted out of selfish reasons because he so desperately wanted it to be true.

That was wrong in so many ways and he should be ashamed of himself. He was ashamed of himself. But then again, yes, loathing himself also wouldn’t accomplish anything. If he did this, what was the result?

It wouldn’t change what had happened with Su Yan. It wouldn’t help anyone. No, if he wanted to change anything, then this wasn’t the place to do so. But he also didn’t know where else to try and make up for it.

Everything that he might be able to think of was more or less just him trying to get rid of his guilty conscience. Something that he did for himself, not for Su Yan. That was trying to make up for one selfish action with another.

He couldn’t do that. But he didn’t know how else to go forward from here.

« ToC »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s