Mo Fang’s missing answer actually told Li Ming what he wanted to know. He sighed deeply and brushed through his hair, wondering what he should say. He was a bit frustrated. “Mo Fang, there is no reason to lie to me.”
“I wouldn’t …” Mo Fang stopped, not sure what to say. Obviously, he had already been caught in the lie so it was difficult to say now that he wasn’t. In that case, it was better to confess. “Well, I didn’t want you to break up with me immediately.”
Li Ming sighed again and then leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. This was definitely a problem between them. He wanted a partner that he could trust. Somebody that was one hundred percent honest with. He could overlook a lot of things but honesty was something that he wouldn’t budge on.
Unfortunately, he also couldn’t bring himself to be angry at Mo Fang. He understood where he was coming from. Mo Fang had just gotten out of a bad relationship and now found something that he believed to be great. But he was insecure. It really wasn’t a wonder after being cheated on like that. So now, he was looking for ways to make sure that he wouldn’t lose this great thing again immediately. So naturally, he wanted to please him.
“Be honest with me. Do you really want a child?”
Mo Fang gave a faint hum that could have meant anything but Li Ming didn’t do him the favor of speaking up himself. Instead, he waited for him to give a real answer.
Mo Fang pressed the pillow to his chest, angrily clutching the corner. Why was this happening? Things had been going so well and then this! Unfortunately, he realized that there was no way to get around this. He could at most give a vague answer. “Well …”
Li Ming continued to keep silent. He wanted Mo Fang’s honest answer. If he started to speak up, he was afraid that he wouldn’t get it. Thus, he just continued to listen.
Seeing that he couldn’t worm his way out of this, Mo Fang finally got out with at least half the truth. “Actually, I really can’t say. I mean we’re not that old yet, are we? I don’t know. Right now, a child really doesn’t seem … I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Li Ming nodded to himself, feeling that this was a much more likely answer. “You’ve never thought about it before.”
There was a bit of a pause before Mo Fang finally admitted. “Yes.”
Li Ming laughed lightly. “Was it really so hard to admit that?”
Once again, Mo Fang hesitated a bit. If he said no, then it would seem as if he had lied lightly before which definitely wasn’t a good thing. He also knew couldn’t say yes because that would make him sound bratty. So in the end, he could only give a slightly longer explanation.
“Well, I just felt that saying that I never thought about it would be that kind of non-answer. How can I do that? So I just said what I thought might be a better answer. Anyway, I guess I wouldn’t have anything against having a child … if it was later. I’m not sure.”
“Alright. That is already great. You know, having a child isn’t easy. In fact, in our situation, it might even be impossible. It’s just that I want to be with somebody who — in case it becomes possible the next decade or so — who would be on the same page as me. That’s all.
“If you don’t feel like it is a possibility now but that you would want to give it a shot in ten years or so, then I would already be happy. On the other hand, if you had said that it was something you definitely wanted and even wanted right now, then maybe the two of us wouldn’t fit together that well.
“You could find somebody else who would maybe willing to go abroad and have a child with you there. There are so many opportunities outside of our country. But that would mean leaving your families behind. And that is something that I can’t give you. I want to stay here. It’s my home, it’s where I grew up, it’s where I want to spend the rest of my life as well. I’m just that type of person.”
Mo Fang gave a hum. “I remember that you said that family was important to you and that you actually got lucky but that your relationship with them was also a little strained.”
Li Ming sighed. “Yes, it’s a bit of both. Originally, our relationship was awesome. And then I came out and things weren’t as awesome anymore. Even now, I can see them side-eye me every now and then. They clearly want to say something like ‘Did you know that the neighbor’s daughter just finished her studies abroad? She is such a nice girl, you would make a nice couple’. But they know that if they said that, I would never accept anyway. So finally, they bite their tongue and say nothing. It’s just that I can still notice so things are always a little awkward when I go over.”
“But you are still speaking with them?” Mo Fang couldn’t help but be a little curious. So far, Li Ming hadn’t told him too much about his private life. While he did know a bit of his history, there weren’t many details to go off. That actually made it more difficult to judge. This was definitely something that he had to change.
Since they were already a couple, Li Ming didn’t try to keep anything to himself. “I do, regularly actually. By now, things really have gotten better. I guess it’s just a little bit of regret. Well, me being unable to have a child is likely also one of the things that they are thinking about. If that was possible …” He shook his head at himself. “Anyway, it’s not. They’ll get over it. Maybe not immediately but someday in the future. They have to. It’s not like anything would change about me being gay.”
Mo Fang gave a hum. “Not that but … have you ever thought about marrying a girl just to appease him?” If their relationship was so good, then maybe he wouldn’t be willing to lose them over this. If their reaction had been worse, maybe that would have been a way to go about it? Li Ming’s answer surprised him though.
“I love my family but … I wouldn’t go that far. There are many things that you can compromise on but this isn’t one. I know that many would decide differently in that situation but I just can’t lie to myself. I also can’t lie to some woman that I’m supposed to marry. I would be unhappy in that relationship and she would be as well. And I’m sure that my family would also notice. What is the use of doing that? In the end, it would just go wrong. So, no, that is one thing that they would never do.”