Having to make decisions that would influence the rest of one’s life could be debilitating when you felt torn between the choices. Even though he longed for one of them, he hated what it would entail. If he could, he wanted the best of both worlds but, of course, he knew that this was impossible.

Jing He sat in his study for hours, thinking a lot before he finally only stared into empty space, his mind unable to focus on anything. He was strangely aware of the silence surrounding him which was proof that he was no longer in the Nine Heavens and no longer the person he had once been.

He wasn’t sure if he could ever return to being that person or live at home again. Right now, everything seemed up in the air and he was still afraid that if he took even just one wrong step, he would tumble down into the abyss, never to surface again.

It shouldn’t be like this. He should be … courageous, just like Qiu Ling. Since he loved him, he should stand behind those feelings and choose him no matter what. But … he couldn’t. Even if he told himself to do so, there was still that small voice in his mind that would question his decision, just like he had questioned every action he ever did. He just … had no faith in doing the right thing.

Jing He felt dazed or maybe it was more accurate to say that he felt numb. Knowing what he wanted but not daring to grasp it in his hands because of the consequences he feared gave him a feeling of emptiness. He knew this feeling well. He had often felt it throughout the years. Whenever he found himself in a new disaster and barely survived, he would go back to his palace and sit there just like he was now. His mind would echo the question of whether it would always be like this.

Two thousand years were simply too long. Even though the gods matured much slower than the other races, growing up in the way he had made his state of mind not resemble that of other children too much. He didn’t have much contact with others and the activities he chose were always low in risk. It was alright to study more. Anyway, he would need that knowledge one day. It was alright to practice his magic a little, but never to a point where it could become dangerous. Gardening was without issue, as long as he kept a close eye on where he stepped and what might be hiding between the stems of the plants. With such a daily life, how could he not feel that missing was missing?

Qiu Ling and Tian weren’t wrong that it was the shared loneliness that had fascinated him about Xing’s story but … there was something else he desired as well. He longed for love to have companionship but he also longed for safety.

In Xing’s story, was Tian not also someone who protected him? Yes, as soon as this man who loved him dearly appeared, Xing’s troubles seemed to lessen. People would talk about him less and even the hateful Heavenly Empress did not bother him any longer. When war arrived on their doorstep, Tian picked up a weapon and left for the battlefield without issue, making a name for himself as a strong warrior and capable leader.

Maybe deep down, he was looking for a man who would be just the same: courageous and strong, always willing and ready to ensure the safety of those around him. That … was something that Jing He needed in his life.

Naturally, he was aware that by the time he turned two thousand years old, the curse would stop. But frankly, it had been much too long and he couldn’t trust any longer that he would indeed be safe. By then, he simply expected things to go wrong in his life. Why wouldn’t he want a person by his side who would guard him closely, keeping all dangers far away?

One of the reasons he had fallen for Qiu Ling was that this man gave him a deep sense of security. There had not been a single time he hadn’t felt much calmer while lying in Qiu Ling’s arms. No matter how difficult the situation or how impossible their future seemed, just by being close to Qiu Ling would he calm down and feel the faintest sense of hope. Without him … he didn’t know how he would live his life.

Even if he went back and agreed to his father’s demands to marry somebody else, he didn’t think he would ever feel this way again. Qiu Ling … was special in this way. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was the long time they had spent together or maybe Qiu Ling simply had that kind of bearing that could make a person instantly calm down. Maybe … this was fate. No matter the reason, he had benefited greatly and he couldn’t imagine anyone ever replacing Qiu Ling.

Jing He got to his feet and silently walked back to the main room, picking up the letters he had left over there. Which of these did not start with ‘my beloved Jing He’? Which of them didn’t first mention how he worried about how he was doing or how he hoped that he was well or at least better than before by now. Which of them didn’t detail the big and small details of what was happening with his family and his fiance in the Nine Heavens so he wouldn’t miss too much?

Each of these letters was so sweet, tugging at his heartstrings. They showed Qiu Ling’s genuine care. Could he really … let go of that? It didn’t seem like it. Just like the sense of security Qiu Ling gave him, this gentleness that overflowed from every word and action was just the same. It had long since seeped into his heart, making it unable to accommodate anyone but this man.