Bai Fen looked up, tears gathering in her eyes. It had been slightly more than two thousand years since that day but even now, her grief was remembered in her heart. “I carried that girl for ten months and raised her for more than a millennium. She was my child and by all right, she should have lived for so much longer.

“I … knew she was unlucky. It isn’t like I didn’t see it happen. Every few months, there would be something. She’d slip on a path and fall into the pond before she learned to swim, she’d walk under the eaves of a palace and a tile would fall down, almost or maybe even actually hitting her, or maybe she’d come down with a heavy fever when the weather grew cold.

“It was tough to watch but I only grew closer to her through all of that. I felt like I had to protect her because otherwise, who knew what would happen? But I had to leave for that trial. There was just no other way. Hearing my husband say that … most of all, it made me feel like I had failed to protect her because I simply hadn’t been there when she needed me.”

Qiu Ling closed his eyes and nodded. “I know what you mean. I’d tell you it wasn’t your fault, that you had no other choice, and anyway, your husband was still there but you know all these in your head and it can’t change what you feel.”

“Exactly.” Bai Fen smiled faintly. “I wasn’t angry at Rong Su at first. I just … felt distraught because my baby girl had clearly suffered while I was gone and I hadn’t been there to comfort her or ease whatever pain she might have felt.

“He didn’t … tell me immediately that I was pregnant despite the fact that he knew that I was and also despite the fact that he knew that this was the reason for Fang Hai’s death. I don’t know if it was done out of consideration or because he realized that he had made a big mistake in not telling me earlier.

“Either way, my mental state at the time wasn’t good and the memories from my trial that returned felt disjointed. Still, they gave me a longing for another life. One where I would be happy and not be bogged down by so many things. At that time, I was of half a mind to leave my husband and return to the mortal realm to live out my days there and find a different kind of happiness.”

Trueborn gods seldom descended to the mortal realm outside of their trials and even if they did, it was usually just out of curiosity about how that world would feel like if visited as their own self. They never stayed long. There was no rule that they couldn’t though and for a few days, the idea became more and more appealing.

Of course, she was aware that much of that had been the wish to run away from the truth. If she wasn’t in the Nine Heavens, wasn’t living in her husband’s palace, she could tell herself that her daughter’s death simply hadn’t happened. Whenever she chose to return, she’d still find her beautiful little girl waiting for her. Fang Hai would run up to her and jump into her arms just as she always did. Of course, she wouldn’t actually return, allowing herself to keep up that illusion forever, or at least until the grief had somewhat lessened.

She sighed and put down the teacup, shaking her head. “At that time, I withdrew from the people around me. Qiang Yan somewhat knew how to deal with it and kept me company but Rong Su couldn’t. After two weeks, he broke down and finally told me about the pregnancy. In his mind, he probably thought that it would cheer me up to know that we would soon welcome a second child but it only made me furious.”

Qiu Ling nodded. “You can’t substitute a child.”

He had seen this prominently with Jinde: Despite the fact that he had had Jin Ling, he had immediately thought of him when it came time to pass on his title as dragon king. Later, when they met in the mortal realm, he welcomed him back into his life with open arms even though he hadn’t shown him a good face in return.

And finally, just recently, the upcoming birth of Xiang Ling hadn’t been able to lessen the grief he felt upon Jin Ling’s death. On the contrary, the hole left behind by the loss of this one child made it impossible for him to look forward to his third child’s arrival to this world and he pulled away from everyone. Even now, if you looked closely, you could see that he would always have moments when his mind drifted off, clearly thinking of Jin Ling.

Bai Fen certainly wasn’t any different. He knew how much she loved Jing He and he knew that she wouldn’t have loved her daughter any less. How could she easily get over her death just because she was pregnant? In fact, the pregnancy might have worsened her grief because she just couldn’t imagine a future where her daughter was missing from her life while there was another child around her.

Bai Fen nodded. “You indeed can’t. I love Jing He with all my heart but … his presence also can’t make the pain go away. I wish that … the curse wasn’t there and that I could have had both of these beautiful children in my life. I would have loved to see Fang Hai as a big sister. Maybe Jing He would have suffered less that way as well. Just having a sibling to look out for him and protect him while he was young, spending time with him, and allowing him to be himself with her … it could have made such a big difference. Unfortunately, because of his father’s bloodline, it could never happen. If I had known … I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him.”